I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
