I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
