I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
