Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
