____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
