And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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