Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Randomize