that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
