I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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