I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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