guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
