I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
