Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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