you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We talked him into tasing himself.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
