Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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