Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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