I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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