im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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