I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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