He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize