For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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