She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
