How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
