Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
