Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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