ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
