i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
