So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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