i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
