You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
