Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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