hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize