I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize