I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
