fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
