Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
