Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
God, I missed his penis.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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