I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
