Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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