I think im going to throw up on grandma
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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