I seem to have left my pride at pride
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
