I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
