cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
