Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
