How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
No subtext here. People are naked.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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