yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
