so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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