i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
