I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
