Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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