The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
