do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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