Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize