I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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