wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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