I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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