Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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