made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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