My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
